I finally had my 1-year performance review today. In typical management fashion (i.e. heavy on the bureaucracy and red tape) all 4 of my bosses decided to team up on me and take care of it all at once because the evil HR department was breathing down their necks to get it done so that their precious employee files could be up to date.
Mrs. Dad, clearly the leader of the group, started it off by thanking me for my service to FroFamily Inc. over the past year. My work had not gone unnoticed, and it was much appreciated by the group. Then she got into the formalities. First off, it was explained to me that FroFamily Inc. maintains a highly scientific 5 point scale for grading all of its employees. The highest grade is "Awesome", however this grade is unattainable and is just there as a golden carrot for all the silly employees to chase. Next is "Super OK", which is code for good enough to not get yelled at all the time. The middle grade is "Medium" because to Mr. B everything is medium. On the lower end of the spectrum is "Not Medium" because Mr. C is always opposite of Mr. B. The worst grade on the scale is "Stinky" because it is a funny word that we read in Ms. A's Junie B. Jones books that means something is no good.
Next, each took their turn. All the while I'm saying to myself, "I hope I'm not Stinky. I hope I'm not stinky. I hope I'm not stinky. I really need to keep this job."
Mr. C, the least senior of the group, did not bother with any pleasantries. He simply said, "Mr. Mom, thanks for occasionally feeding me food that I don't want to throw on the floor. I appreciate you not letting me sit in dirty diapers for too long. And you give good baths, provided you remember to not get me wet. However, remember that first week of your employment here when I had a seizure on your watch? Yeah, well that didn't go over so well. And one more thing, you are not Mrs. Dad and never can be because of the whole breastfeeding at birth thing. Therefore, overall, I rate you a Not Medium."
Mr. B. quickly jumped in to get his part over with so that he could go back to playing Thomas trains. "Mr. Mom, your performance was acceptable overall. You were there when I read my first words on 9/15/10. I arrive at school on time each day. We play some good ball in the backyard. And my clothes are laid out for me every morning. However, you insist that I not tease Mr. C all the time. You don't let me eat cookies at will. And I would really like you to let me watch a lot more TV. Overall my grade for you is Medium."
Next was the sweet charming Ms. A, who has me wrapped around her finger and completely knows it. In only a way she can, Ms. A smiled and began, "Mr. Mom, fine work this past year. Your help in enabling my transition to 1st grade was crucial to the success of our company. As was your work in being a buffer between me and Mrs. Dad and Mr. B. They just don't understand me sometimes. I want things my way all the time, but they have the audacity to have their own ideas. We'll get them to understand eventually, but for now, I need you to keep running interference. You also support my efforts in attending dance class, getting to the bus a minimum of 5 minutes early every day, and choosing my own unique fashion. For that, I will be eternally grateful. But could you do something about requiring me to eat hot lunch at school once in a while. It is the worst thing ever, and I would rather just eat a frosting covered granola bar and orange creme yogurt from home. It is for this reason that I will limit your grade to Super OK instead of Awesome."
Last was Mrs. Dad. The one I had been waiting for, but also dreading. "Mr. Mom, you have performed admirably this year. Although it would be impossible for anyone to live up to your predecessor, you gave it a good try. The house is clean, the dishes are done, the beds are made, the laundry is folded and put away, the children seem to be generally cared for, the lawn is mowed, you bill some hours in your moonlighting venture, and no one has been seriously injured or died. For that you should be commended. However, there are several things upon which you need to improve. First, talk more. I don't like living with a mute. I try to talk enough for the both of us, but I'm tired of it. Secondly, don't try to solve my problems. Usually I just want you to listen to me complain and tell me it is o.k. Why do you insist on fixing everything? Thirdly, you keep a terrible calendar. You need to write down everything on a calendar so that I know what is going on at all times. Also, it is because of your laziness that Mr. C attends 2nd-rate Eden Prairie ECFE instead of top notch Edina. Now he is behind the learning curve and could be destined for a career serving you burritos at Chipotle unless we can right this ship. Fourth, your organization of the kids clothes is less than desirable. Each size, season, and style should have its own neatly labeled rubbermaid container in the basement, and my god man, why is there a 12-month shirt in Mr. C's drawer? Lastly, this house isn't going to fix itself. We've lived here a year, and the kitchen is all you have to show for home improvement? And you still haven't gotten to that backsplash? What do you do all day? That being said, you have done alright. Since I am the final say, your overall grade will be Super OK. But don't expect any raises or extra time off next year. And if you think you are playing more softball in 2011, think again."
At least I still have my job.
Last week Annalise and I had our first Girl Scout meeting. A is a daisy (Kindergarten and 1st), and I am a co-leader of her troop. We only have 4 girls so far, but hope to have more join once they hear how fun it is. We had a nice first meeting, where the girls colored self-portraits. I was really excited to get A the official Daisy Beanie- isn't she cute as a button?!
if it could be done yet this year.
