Wednesday, June 22, 2011

America's Most Wanted

Have you seen this man? If so, or if you have any other information regarding his whereabouts, contact our tipline at 1-800-GET-HELP.

Description: Adult caucasian male in mid-30's in various states of cleanliness
Height: 6 ft.
Weight: Gradually shifting from elsewhere to his midsection
Eyes: Blue and frequently glazed over
Hair: Lacking, except on face, chest, shoulders, and back
Last Seen: Various locations throughout the Twin Cities metropolitan area with three adolescents (one female, two male), all of whom were likely whining about something
Vocal Characteristics: Monotone with a tendency to repeat himself to his companions over and over and over and over and over and over ....

The suspect is considered unarmed and relatively safe, but extreme caution should be taken. Suspect may be lured into custody by offering beer, Chipotle burritos without beans or corn salsa, or a chance to view sports on television.